– “ Are you sure it’s not noticeable?
– No, you look beautiful just the way you are, don’t need a whole operation just to prove you that.“
I heard those words from people around me all the time. I did my best to make the words stick in my head and believe them, but I still hated the way I looked and nothing was going to change that.
I’ve gone back and forth on whether I should share this story or not, #mystory because it is something very private and I feel a bit like I am exposing myself. It’s completely out of my comfort zone, to write about my personal life and physical appearance but I still want to do it because I care for the readers that visit my website and I want you to know that behind the pretty pictures and lots of clothes, there are many things untold.
Insecurities.. We all have them, right? Whether it’s about a decision such as quitting your job or not being happy about your weight or the way your body looks. I associate insecurities with fear, when I think of insecurities what comes to mind is wanting to change something about me or my life but being scared to do it. You can shove these things to the back of your mind and ignore them for some time but they always come back to bite us in the ass.
I know that I am not alone in this, and many if not everyone are struggling with different kinds of insecurities or have dreams and goals that they want to achieve, but sometimes it’s so damn hard or takes to much guts to do, so we tend to choose the easier path, not doing anything about it. I am a strong believer in that everything is possible and if you really really want something, almost no matter how hard it seems, you can make it happen. Maybe not now but in time, yes you can!
Because of the photographs, blogging and my behaviour, people around me usually think of me being very confident, especially about my looks. But the truth is that behind that mask, at home all cuddled up in my couch and in my pajamas, I was feeling like crap and completely hated the way I looked, I was my own worst critic.
The one thing I hated the most about myself, was my face. And to be clear, my nose. Oh God, I am nervous even typing this out to be honest but let’s continue..
My nose was quite big and also deviated to one side making my face look asymmetrical and causing me breathing problems on top of it all. Make up, short or long hair, nothing would change the way I saw myself in the mirror.
Being bullied during school, seeing my face in photos and the effect of social media, constantly comparing my face to all the pretty ladies with perfect pictures and wanting to look like them made it harder and harder to cope with. I grew up dreaming that one day I would be able to have a nose job, one day I would have the money and one day I would have the guts, find the right doctor or have the time and many other excuses that I kept putting into my head. This time last year, I was crying when I saw myself in the mirror and constantly feeling bad about myself. Instead of compliments, I used to call myself ugly or even pinocchio! Yes, that’s how I used to talk to myself, can you believe it? When taking photos for the blog, I always turned my face down or cut it from photo. When someone looked at me, I had the feeling that they were constantly looking at my nose. Sometimes I would even wear caps so I didn’t show my face, I was so embarrassed.
The feeling of not being happy with my face, made me keep away from people, I was depressed and I had no ambition at all to do anything or to become something. But quitting my long time job was like a kick in my face, yes it sucked but I got over it after a while. So then one day I decided that I had enough, that’s it! Enough complaining and feeling sad about the way I look. I have to do something about it no matter what it would take.
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.”
Let’s do it
I don’t know if in the end I had decided I would actually go for it, but out of curiosity I started slowly checking up doctors, watched tons of videos from people who had the operation, checked up on prices and at a certain point I made an appointment for consultation with a doctor in Sweden. For some reason I was not really happy with that clinique and didn’t felt that it was THE ONE. I began considering leaving the country and maybe go somewhere in Eastern Europe or a country where they practice these types of operations more often, so maybe another time. Excuses, Excuses! For some time I pushed aside the idea of doing the operation until one day, I got an email from a clinique right here in in Copenhagen, saying that they have an offer for the rhinoplasty surgery for next 4 months. I was like, wow! This is like destiny, you know some things just happen with a reason.
I went for a consultation with them and was really pleased with the doctor, I read tons of reviews about the place and the next thing I know, I scheduled my operation. I ended up postponing it two times and scheduled it as late as I could because OMG was I scared and I couldn’t really believe that I was actually gonna do it. A dream that I had for more than 10 years, can you believe it?
I can’t properly explain you how I felt on the day of the operation, I was shaking all over my body on the way there. I brought pen and paper with me and start writing down my thoughts from the moment I got out of the house, including the time I waited in the hospital before the operation. Not to say that by the time I got in the operating room I didn’t want to do it anymore haha. A few hours later though, I woke up and it was done! That’s it, I did it!
I woke up so dizzy and sick but in the same time so damn happy, like I did it! I felt so relieved and proud. The healing process was not easy but not as hard as I imagined, it was just mostly just extremely uncomfortable and of course, for the first few weeks going outside with a bandage on my face got me a few looks here and there. After I took my bandages off, I saw my new face and I was so happy with it. The whole of 2017 has gone by and I love my face more and more each day. I don’t even think about the nose, it’s no longer an issue on my mind and best of all, I breathe so much easier.
I think this process gave me so much confidence in myself, something that I lacked for my whole life. I don’t need to show it as much but deep inside I feel beautiful. I no longer feel the need to crop my face out of pictures or take photos only from one side, I am happy to show it and got many people complimenting me. Together with this feeling, my whole character has changed and I feel like I can do more, I can be more, I feel like if there is something that I have on my mind, I shouldn’t postpone but just do it.
So this is the story about a big change in my life, a good one and although it was a tough and hard year, I wouldn’t change it for anything. But this is MY story – everyone is different, you don’t need to change something about yourself to feel confident, we are all beautiful in our own way. As long as you are happy and comfortable that’s really all it matters, I was not. My goal with this post is to say, that if you want something for yourself, if you feel like that’s what you need, then plan for it, find possibilities, ask for help and just do it. The more you postpone it, the harder it gets.
If you are ever interested in hearing more facts about the operation itself or have any questions regarding this type of surgery, please let me know in the comments, I am happy to help.
Is there anything you dream to achieve or to do and you keep postponing it or say “yes, one day I will do it”’? What stops you from doing it?